You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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