whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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