apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
