So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
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ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
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We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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