Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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