Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
