My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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