I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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