I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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