Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
