I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
