see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
