Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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