Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
they need to just BURY HIM!
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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