i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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