Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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