Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
