she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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