i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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