i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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