im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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