i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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