so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
this is an emotional support booty call
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
