I'm gonna have a badass scar
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
