she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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