Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
