I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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