There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
