Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
