She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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