Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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