census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
