i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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