Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
