Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
