she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
