I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
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i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
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Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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