dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Redeem this text for a blowjob
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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