I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
