Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
