forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
this is an emotional support booty call
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
