Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
