I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Randomize
