I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
