Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize