i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize