I wanna bring you to show and tell
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
