I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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