i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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