I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
