DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
